SPACE TENTACLES EAT CHICAGO: BRINGS ILLINOIS BUDGET WOES TO FOREFRONT

(Chicago, IL):  If you’re wondering what you are seeing in the skies over the windy city, you’re not alone. Thousands of people gathered together outside Shedd Aquarium, Adler Planetarium, Navy Pier, and even lined the windows of Chicago’s most famous landmark, the Formerly Known as Sears Tower. It’s a bird, it’s a plane! No, it’s hungry tentacles from space, and they are quite a spectacle to behold. High overhead the world famous Chicago skyline are billowing, writhing clouds of massive tentacles winding and swirling as if in random, haphazard patterns. 

Outside Shedd Aquarium, we caught up with an onlooker and witness to Hastur’s terrible glory. “I was out here with my kids and Bobby yells up at me, ‘Mommy! Octopus!’” stated Dana Shirefield as she and her two children stood among the throngs of people outside Shedd Aquarium. “We had just come out of the aquarium and I didn’t think anything of it but he kept yelling until I finally looked up and saw about a dozen people get plucked up from the far side of the parking lot and I screamed! Oh it gave me such a scare, (laughing) I almost swallowed my gum! I screamed, the people being ripped apart were screaming.” Mrs. Shirefield consoled little Bobby who was uncontrollably sobbing while his older brother held his hand staring blankly to the sky. “Mommy didn’t mean to scare you Bobby I just got startled is all.”

Whip like at the tip and enormously girthy as one follows them to their origin, the tentacles are speculated to be the mouth parts of some colossal beast that is in a stationary orbit over the city of Chicago, but the size of the creature far above is impossible to judge because there is no visibility beyond the tentacle-packed sky, making some residents ask the question “is there anything to worry about?” ...[READ MORE]

SCIENTIST: WE ARE CLOSE TO CLONING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

(Cooks Mills, IL): In stark contrast to the rural country setting, the conspicuously subdued facility that houses APPLIED CREATIVE GENETICS LABORATORIES (ACGL) is a futuristic tower of gleaming chrome with flocks of scientists flowing to and fro in bright white lab coats. There’s a flurry of activity here.  “You can feel the energy.” One passer-by commented as we made our way to the administration building to meet the chief scientist, Dr. Frank Steinen; whose vision twenty-six years ago led him to compile a team of the world’s top visionaries in the field of genetics.

“We have but one goal here, and that is to change the course of human history.” Dr. Steinen stated. “It says so above the main entrance in the lobby by the vending machines.  Those words greet us every day. We mustn’t give up. The world, the future of mankind depends on it.”

What has brought on the excitement at ACGL is news of several technological breakthroughs that have recently come about that could give them a huge boost to the goal they are striving for: the cloning of a real, live fictional character. Dr. Mary Shelburn is the head of the exploratory research and development division, and while she talked about the project she was visibly energized. “It’s so thrilling to be alive and present while history is being made. We are so close to the genetic recreation of a being that has only walked within our imagination.”

Dr. Steinen remained hopeful that one day that science would develop enough to clone fictional characters, but after examining the new technological tools at their disposal, he is dealing in absolutes. “Within 15 years we will see the birth of a fully functioning fictional character. You can take that to the bank as your people say.”

Although the science of cloning fictional characters has come astonishingly far in just the thirty years that the National Science Foundation and other high-caliber government grants have been fully funding the operation, it hasn’t come without a price.  “We weren’t ready…” Dr. Shelburn stated solemnly “We thought we had it right three years ago, when we attempted to clone Harry Potter from the popular series written by J.K. Rowling. We never made a press release about that project so… well you are getting an exclusive right here.” ... [READ MORE]

NASA LEAK: IGNORING EVIDENCE FOR BIGFOOT ON MARS THAT DOESN’T EXIST

(ORLANDO, FL): In a startling admission, NASA scientists have disclosed that there is a secret program dedicated to completely overlook the fictional evidence that a race of human-like primates inhabit the red planet, Mars.  This baseless assumption comes at a time when both Democrats and Republicans are struggling to keep their candidates’ integrity from suffering any more in the public eye. On August 10, 2016, investigators learned of this upsetting conspiracy.  “I knew something was amiss, but I never thought they would take it to this extent.” said Andrew Corland, a North American Indigenous Primate researcher and professor at Wildman University. “Having a shadowy program dedicated to just not looking at false or misleading evidence is unheard of.” Corland continued, “Repressing factual evidence that isn’t there is what you would think that a tyrannical government would do. The worst part is the taxpayers are the ones being hurt.”

A whistleblower in the administration turned over several leaked documents to investigators, none of which implied any wrongdoing on the part of NASA or of the vast conspiracy to pay no attention to non-evidence of a Martian Sasquatch population. “The evidence just isn’t there, and that’s what’s most troubling.” Corland continued “Spending millions of dollars a year for this program is a typical example of fraud, waste and abuse.  The American people need to wake up to this mishandling of critical resources that could benefit other programs, and stop NASA from deliberately taking no notice of unsubstantiated fabrications.” ...[READ MORE]